Nalini Ramji, 26 May 2024
Our greatest freedom is the freedom to choose our attitude.― Victor Frankl
A couple of days ago, I vented to my husband, “It’s so disheartening that after all the work I’m doing on myself, and the degree to which I study about the mind, I still slip so easily into depression!” We had taken the day “off,” and had gone for a hike at a nearby ranch on the coast. I was really in touch with having fallen out of love with this locale, tired of the incessant wind , cold, and fog that characterize this region, necessitating my wearing 4 layers in late May. Standing overlooking the Pacific ocean and wide expanse, my partner smiled with wonder and delight, while my inner landscape felt more and more bleak.
The one area we traversed where I relaxed was through a tree-lined valley with a gentle brook and sun-dappled vista. I noted that I really felt done with the striving, constantly walking into the winds of my life, feeling exposed to the elements. I was longing to be held and nourished – just as I am.
Long hikes like this always help me get in touch with my deepest insights. In addition, taking the day “off” from the activities related to my vocation – natural vision improvement – put me in touch with my being and feelings. Depression is a state I’ve been in touch with for much of my life, most of which was also spent living out of alignment with my inner calling. It continues to surprise me that in spite of feeling nourished in the moment by the day’s activities, I should still make contact with these low dips.
That conversation with my husband was similar to ones we’ve had before. Together nearly 20 years, he is no stranger to my low moods. On that Friday evening, after exploring with me the color of my feelings of depression and lack of relatedness, he started to talk about the power of the imagination.
This was a bit annoying at first. As a Bates method teacher trainee, I have been conversant with the merits of the imagination for a long while. But for some reason, on this particular occasion, it struck me in a different way. Suddenly, I was feeling met by a friend whom I hadn’t yet let in…not because I hadn’t wanted to, but because I hadn’t yet discovered how it related to me and my world.
The state of depression relates to my lack of autonomy or agency in my life. To have agency in one’s life, you also have to believe you deserve something worthwhile.
My understanding of imagination in the Bates Method relates to imagining the letters on the chart more clearly, imagining a swinging black period, etc. Since the beginning, I had felt resistance to this. But I hadn’t yet imagined something about me! Who is doing the imagining?
This is where imagination veers into visualization. Am I visualizing myself as someone deserving of what I want, as someone who has agency in her life, who isn’t stuck, who has millions of options to choose from? She can only have so many options because she deserves to have them. It is a state of receiving rather than getting.
Our central vision sees “what” we are looking at, while our peripheral vision sees “where” it is – whether spatially or contextually. In NVI, we also consider “who” is seeing and “how” they are seeing. When I imagine a letter swinging, I am focusing on the “what” and possibly the “where.” But without including the “who” and “how”, nothing shifts for me.
For as long as I can remember, I have moved away from something in my life. I realized I was waiting for Life to rescue me, rather than permitting myself to envision my movement. Over the weekend, I allowed myself to visualize where I would love to live, particularly the feeling of it – akin to the gentleness of the sun and flowing water in that valley.. My inner state began to lift and I noticed more visual clarity – specifically, more softness in my eyes and vision and a greater quality of receiving images. There was also a sense of spaciousness, as if allowing the image to form in the visual field rather than making it form.
The relatedness I am seeking is within me – connecting the person I am in this moment to the millions of possibilities present in the next. It is the equivalent of saccadic motion for the eyes – the ability to shift from point to point and make sense of it all. Where I will shift to next isn’t predetermined, and yet my mind will make sense of the whole.
Through this process, I have more clarity that when the state of depression visits, it is an invitation to visualize and reconnect with my sense of agency. I feel deeply indebted to my inner and outer vision for continuing to shine a light on my authenticity.